The List of Things We Learned The Hard Way

 

 

  • No one cares about your birthday. Ok, MAYBE some of your friends and family remembered, but in general, your birthday is not an occasion. Work goes on. Life goes on. You do not get a free pass to call in sick to work, take a two hour lunch, or force an expensive meal on your loved ones
  • Karma is real. The mean things you do and say about other people WILL come back to bite you. 
  • People at work like to gossip. About you. Being part of the group that starts the rumor doesn't protect you from becoming a rumor. All it does is let people know that you like to talk smack. Also, see above 
  • Never trust anyone that would tell you someone else's secret 
  • You do not deserve a six figure income at your first job out of college. Work, pay your dues, and EARN your pay. The law of the jungle is "eat what you kill" not "eat what I give you for sitting on your duff 
  • You too, will get cellulite 
  • Driving a car that costs more than your yearly salary makes you look stupid 
  • Unwanted facial hair: the great equalizer. Truth: People DO notice your mustache. When in doubt, WAX 
  • Transitioning from brunette to blonde sans trained professional is ALWAYS a BAD idea.
  • At some point, wearing clothing purchased from the juniors department just makes you look silly
  • You will never again look as young as you do RIGHT NOW 
  • The Truth: No one really likes a woman who thinks she is a princess and acts accordingly. They are only humoring you. 
  • Don't pass gas while out in public with your child and expect it to remain a secret 
  • Listen to good music. Its good for the soul, and more pleasant for those within earshot of your speakers 
  • No one over the age of 18 should wear pants with the word "Juicy" across the butt. Make that pants with ANYTHING written across the butt. 
  • Be nice to the "nerds" - There is a really good chance that you will work for them someday. Be really nice to the uber-dorks. They will own the world one day. That's a s*** list you don't need to be a part of. 
  • Date men that are nice to you. Bad boys will not change. They will not start appreciating your countless sacrifices, and will not begin loving you for who you are. What you end up with 15 years down the road is a jerk - who isn't all that cute anymore. 
  • At some point in your life, if you are successful enough, you will understand why almost all uber-wealthy businessmen are republicans. 
  • Don't whine and complain about your job. If you don't like where you work, leave. Stop putting everyone around you through the constant drama and negativity.  
  • Lying is complicated.  The truth is simple.  
  • Good relationships require work.  
  • Men cannot read your mind. Especially not when the xbox is on.
  • You may or may not like your relatives, but remember this - genetics are a powerful force.  There’s a really good chance you aren’t all that different from your nutty Aunt.  You know, the one that wears her bra on top of her blouse.
  • Nothing is more entertaining than a two year old singing his version of “Bad Romance”
  • Never get between a man and his gaming system.  Take this opportunity to enjoy a long nap.
  • No matter what the chore, it is ALWAYS a bigger accomplishment when a man does it. 
  • To my male readers:  Your alone time with the kids is NOT baby-sitting.  Its parenting. Suck it up.
  • There is a really good chance that outfit DOES make your butt look big. If you have to ask, change your outfit. 
  • Never ask a man to give you an honest response to a question you don’t really want answered.  And don’t punish him when he does. 
  • Never sleep with anyone who has less to lose than you do.